Feast of Fools
by Moonphase
Summary: Thanks to Ryuuks shennanigans, things go very wrong and very strange just as Light was about to attain his first great victory. How will our geniuses survive in this new mad world?
1. The

**WARNING: Possible offensive religious humour. Also this is probably the stupidest story I've ever written.**

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Love the art in yourself and not yourself in the art.  
Constantin Stanislavski

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Hello Dear Reader,

Ever wonder where Ryuuk went when not with one of his Kira's? If not and you do not care to know- read no more…

For the rest of you let's find out shall we? : ^)

...

The spirit realm is a little like the physical in that it isn't one specific place; there are various levels and sections and quadrants. You couldn't just float into any one you wanted or down to the physical realm either (the Hebrew God, Yahweh, cut out all that nonsense after the debacle that his angels caused, which resulted in a worldwide flood,) you needed a passport of sorts. Yep, the spirit world was full of rules (pencil pushers and jobs-worth's exists everywhere I am afraid.) However, a certain truth, that evades a certain Yagami Light, is that for every rule maker there is a rule breaker.

Ryuuk the Shinigami is one of these rule breakers.

At this period in time that we are watching, Ryuuk passes sneakily through the shadows into The Hall of the Pantheon of Gods. It had taken two millenniums to decide on that title.

Everyone is there- the Gods of Yore on the left including the gods and goddesses of the Saxons, Jutes, Britons and other Teutonic nations. They were squabbling and fighting, as they often did, because they all had deep anger issues. After the Teutonic tribes began to change and conglomerate into new nations, they, once tall, proud and beautiful, had shrunk, grown wings and become the stuff of children's stories. They had never gotten over the shame, and now always fought one another as if to prove they still had what it took to take anyone out.

Out of them all, only one, who they now just called 'Cerne' was big; well _gigantic _in fact. And he had a huge penis. It just wasn't fair. All thanks to a stupid chalk picture a slightly (penis) mad Celtic fertility cult had done somewhere in England. The other Teutonic gods hated Cerne for thinking he was the 'Big-I-am.' It was a shame as Cerne himself hated no one, (aside from Green Giant from the corn adverts, because he had blatantly stolen Cerne's look but covered up the best part.)

Then there were the Egyptians gods, who were all mummified; whilst they were not as forgotten as the Teutonic gods, they were now considered dead and worthy only to be remembered by academics.

There was that arrogant prick Zeus and his various children and wives. Like some sort of ancient rap star he was surrounded by his 'bitches and ho's' only they were clad in loose robes rather than bikinis. The Greek gods could afford to be arrogant, while they had none of their strength they still were as beautiful, they're ancient worshipers had been wise enough to paint them, therefore solidifying their beauty for all time.

On the right hand side were all the modern gods. The Christian God and Allah were both lamenting over recent atrocities on Earth whilst Vishnu sympathised with them. Further down the god of technology (called AppleSoftNet) argued with the god of money (NuffDolla) over the concept of Wise Investment and the role of the Stock market.

The overly tanned god and goddess of Celebrity sat staring, grinning inanely into nothing and the gods of Reality TV (there were so many of them they had no named number) wouldn't stop screaming with excitement over every mundane thing they saw and heard.

Ryuuk's boss, the Shinigami King, was sitting next to the Grim Reaper. They both were in intense conversation over the troubles humans caused, Shinigami King focusing on Light and L, while Grim Reaper went on and on about a 'Billy' and 'Mandy.' Whoever they were….

Eventually, a tiny man in a plain brown suit stood at a podium at the end of the hall. He tested the mic, which gave out a loud screeching feedback that silenced everyone. For a time, the gods of reality TV (specifically the X Factor section) could not help but whoop and cheer at the noise as if it were the best thing they'd ever heard.

They applauded when the screeching stopped.

"Well now," said the man, ignoring the unnecessary laughter from the same noisy crew. "We all know why we're here."

"Light Yagami!" cried Zeus. "If I were God I would have drowned him and turned him into a pretty flower or something by now!"

"We don't do things like that anymore," Vishnu sighed. "We already decide that too many miracles were sending humans insane. Look at the Dark Ages- it was chaos! Besides, isn't it pronounced _Raito_?"

"Look you over-the-top fan girl," screamed the god formerly known as Woden- God of War, now know as Fairy Prince of the Northern woods, "it doesn't matter about his fucking name!"

"We need to stop him," AppleSoftNet interrupted Woden/Fairy Prince's vitriol, "if he succeeds in making himself a god, all of mankind's progress will go backwards. They'll become superstitious and will destroy technology in favour of herbs and witchcraft, " (he spat the words 'herbs' and 'witchcraft' the way a heavy metal fan does 'Jonus Brothers,') "Plus. I'll die! I'm too new to live like you lot," he pointed at the gods on the left, "and I have been given neither physical form nor any specific church! I'm doomed!"

"Maybe we should let him back," whispered Anubis with a raspy, sinister voice befitting a god of death, "then we will be reborn."

"No," said Allah sensibly, "just new gods will come and replace you. Well, in particular one god. They will worship Kira."

"I think this Kira kid has style…" giggles a voice from the door…

"Satan, get out of here!" Screams the Christian God, throwing a lightning bolt in the direction of door, and Satan promptly fled. "I hate that guy," he mutters to his neighbour the Sikh God, who has no form, but neither does the Christian God so it's fine. Form isn't as important in the spirit world as it is in the physical world, as long as people believe you are there.

Zeus stands suddenly, sending the women who had been on his lap flying (and making his embittered if not long suffering wife, Hera, smirk at their plight,) "I will not be replaced by a brat who wears the same suit almost every day!" He cries with Classical empathy, " or who has no real muscle and moreover NO SEX-DRIVE! It is a travesty! He is not worthy of my crown!"

"Alright, so what do we do?" Asks the god of Hollywood, whose teeth were so white they would melt a humans face off. "The Fates are no help in these matters."

"I say," begins the god of Education (Athena scowls at him; he had made her redundant in her post,) "that we do what Dickens had done to his world-famous, misanthropic anti-hero Scrooge. I say we _scare _Mister Light into doing as he is told…"

As the gods continue to argue, Ryyuk groans. Light is so much fun and these guys are going to ruin it!

Sure, Earth might fall apart in Light's endeavour to, *ahem*, 'cleanse it. But still. The fact that the gods of Reality TV even exist are proof that entertainment is hard to come by. Still, he could not go against the gods. Not these gods anyway, they were too powerful. He grins as he spots the Greek Goddess of Chaos, Eris.

Now she always had something fun.

Even better, she looks bored. She leans forward on her desk, her head resting on her arm. She is ignored by the other gods…she is not important…

Sneaking along the shadows his whispered in her ear, "hyuk hyuk, hey Eris, don't turn around," the goddess stiffened and straightened her posture a little but did not turn around.

To her left Zeus was now ignoring the meeting and making out with a nymph. To her right Apollo was crying on to a flower (a hyacinth, to be specific.)

"This is boring Eris. I know you like the chaos on Earth as much as me. Wanna help me make Kira go with a bang?"

She stifled a giggle and slyly handed him beneath the table a glass orb with a strange purple mist inside. He chuckles and sneaks away, while she grins.

Ryuk would not know what it was, but he'd figure it out.

The item itself was relatively innocent.

It would just cause a lot of _confusion_….

Ryuuk saw himself as the master of mischief, but compared to the likes of her and Loki, he had a lot to learn. He still thought too small- screw Kira going with a bang, why not all of Japan…heck the world even…?


	2. Quotes

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.  
Buddy Hackett

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Down on Earth, an illegal immigrant from the Shinigami world, a certain Rem was floating outside L headquarters. Her decision was to kill Quilish Whammy and L Lawliet. She did not want to, (like most Shinigami's she did not want to do _anything_,) but she had to protect the one she loved.

Misa Misa Chan.

Dramatic music played in the Shinigami's head as she slowly put pen to paper. She knew that she was going against one of the biggest rules set out by the Shinigami King; she knew that she was essentially committing suicide…but it needed to be done, for the one simple minded girl she adored and worshipped.

"Goodbye Misa Misa Chan…" she whispered.

Just as this drama was unfolding, Ryuuk was hurtling towards Japan whilst examining the little purple orb. Its colour was caused by a strange mist that was contained within it. The orb itself did nothing. It tasted and smelt of nothing.

Boring.

But the mist inside was another matter. As a wise man once said, 'if something doesn't work. Smash it until it does.'

But where?

Ryuuk, as he came closer to Japan, began to get increasingly impatient. Flying took effort and was boring- awful stuff to have to do with one's spare time (sort of like using the death note- though light seemed to enjoy using it.)

At first he decided to smash it on Lights head. The amusement of light being pissed off and badly injured (on top of suffering whatever voodoo this magic orb caused) was pretty irresistible. But then, he wanted to see Light's reaction to someone else suddenly getting an orb smashed ion their face...maybe L? What about that serious one- Aizawa? Matsuda would probably just cry...boring. Maybe Mogi, getting a magic orb slammed into the face would help liven him up a bit. Well, possibly. Like Aizawa, Mogi was a damned boring human too.

By the time he was flying directly over the Land Of The Rising Sun, and just as Rem had started to write Watari's name, Ryuuk had had enough.

Purposely dropping the orb to land wherever fate dictated, Ryuuk chuckled happily. Haphazardly dashing dangerous, otherworldly things about the place had reaped great and hilarious results last time, so why mess with a programme that works?

The orb, glittering and shimmering, met its end just in front of Sakura TV headquarters. The glass orb shattered, reflecting off the sun beautifully just before the purple mist inside released itself into the air with a gentle hiss. It spread quickly, upwards and outwards, causing a sort of mushroom shape, like a purple and sparkly atomic bomb. The mist thickened into a fog, and like some sort of B-Movie horror film it began to snake its way through the city, entering vents and crawling down drains. People fell to the floor coughing and spluttering. Confusion began to take over and people began to panic.

Within minutes the smoke had trailed its way to L headquarters. Rem had literally just finished the last letter of Watari's name when the smoke began to enter her little hideaway. Unlike the humans outside, Rem did not panic or start coughing. Instead she calmly sniffed the smoke and frowned on immediately recognising it was something magical. Only one imbecile would start throwing magic around like it was a toy.

"Ryuuk what have you done this time?" She muttered before her eyes widened and she hastily crossed out Watari's name. And not too soon neither, as the forty second time limit had nearly run out.

"Oh poor Watari and poor L!" she gasped, her voice a little higher and more inflective than it had ever been before. She pressed the Death Note to her lips, "how could I even think of doing such a terrible thing? Damn Misa! What did I ever see in her?" The Shinigami pushed out her cheeks, "that girl is totally mean! And she cares more about her hair-dye than me!" Slowly she stood, "may this be a lesson to me," she intoned gravely, "never will I kill a human and never will I just focus all my energies on one single person. Now I shall spend my eternity making the lives of all humans more fulfilled and happy!"

She smiled to herself (it was truly a horrible sight and it was lucky no one witnessed it) and fist pumped the air, "I SHALL DO MY BEST!" She cried like a heroine of a generic shoujo manga. With a flash of her wings she turned incorporeal and made her way back to the Shinigami realm

xxXXxx

Meanwhile, in the Yagami household, Sayu and her mother sat watching the news, a habit they had created since the birth of Kira.

"Meanwhile," the newsreader, a pretty female called Takada read, "more deaths occurred in down town Tokyo when two rival high school gangs were, like, totally bitching at one another…"

Sayu and her mother looked at one another. "Did she just say…?" Sayu began but was cut off when loud coughing could be heard from the television. The women turned back to the screen to see purple mist settling over the news reporters, whose eyes seemed glazed.

Takada slouched in her chair and began to twiddle with her hair. "It all began with one criminal mastermind kidnapped, like, another gang member, or something…" she slurred.

"AND THEY FUCKED HIM UP GOOD!"

"They sure did Tenchi," Takada responded calmly to her co host, who had yelled this whilst eating a sandwich that had inexplicably appeared in his hand and spraying bits of it all over the camera lens. "In other news," Takada continued, "Ashley Simpson, esteemed musician and song writer was awarded best album in the Urban Music Award." She smiled charmingly. "Like, that's totally cool Ashley, and like, you so deserve that. Well done, kiss kiss!"

"NOW IF ONLY YOUR MOTHER FUCKING LEECH OF A SISTER-" Tenchi began to roar, when Sachiko turned off the television. She turned to her daughter looking affronted, "honestly," Sachiko began, "now I can just about handle the swearing and bad manner, but open lies like that? That's going too far!"

xxXXxx

In the task force headquarters, Light and L were talking in riddles as usual, blah, blah, blah. Matsuda yawned and looked at his computer. There was a security camera outside that fed right onto his computer. Sometimes, when bored (they were in that office for long hours. Matsuda could not believe his colleagues all worked for that long, non-stop,) he would watch people going by, just to make it seem like he was looking at something important. He liked to imagine their lives, all the little stories they were going through. It was interesting-almost as good as reading a gossip magazine. As he peered into it now, he saw something highly unusual...

"Erm, guys..."

Matsuda's uncertain voice cut through L's baritone questioning of Light, making the detective scowl. All the task force focused on the fluffy haired screw up. He looked up at them, brown eyes round and doe-like. "There's something strange happening outside. There's a purple smoke spreading, and people are coughing..."

Reacting immediately L switched his computer to the outside security cameras and fed them through to the large screen. Matsuda was correct, trapped within a faint purple hue, people grasped at their necks coughing and spluttering. It did not seem to be killing anyone.

"Watari," ordered L through his speaker, "shut off all the ventilation units and power up the emergency oxygen. I then need you to get a gas mask and to go find Misa and to bring her back here. I don't want her or Rem out of my sight." Shutting off the speaker without waiting for a reply (if there was any) from Watari, L turned back to the team. "It seems a new game has just started."

He smirked slightly, his eyes focusing on tight-lipped, fist-clenched Light.

xxXXxx

With a heavy sigh, Watari got on his hat and coat and headed outside. He had been fitted with a gas mask courtesy of his prodigy L. However he couldn't help but still feel slightly resentful that he had been the one sent to get her. Watari was an old man, and Misa Amane was a handful. It was a sort of torture in itself knowing he would be stuck in a car with no one but Miss Amane wittering on about Light, rainbows, Light, how she hated fat people, Light and so on.

Indeed, Watari was actually quite an unfortunate man in some ways in that he tended to have dastardly bad luck. Today was no exception; as soon as he stepped out the back door he was spotted by Ryuuk, who had been returning to the Headquarters to find out if anyone had picked up on what was happening. Swooping down, Ryuuk grabbed the mask and flung it into the distance, cackling hard as Watari fell to the ground coughing and spluttering as the purple gas seeped into his lungs. "No!" he cried, "I'm too young to die!" But alas it was to no avail, the Shinigami didn't care. Instead Ryuuk flew back up in to the air surreptitiously avoiding the gas himself.

Inside, all the team were gathering what computers and appliances they could before heading off onto the lowest floor, they had watched the gas and its affect for a little while longer, trying to ascertain how dangerous it was. When they noticed that people were not dying from it, but instead acting extremely strangely; namely beginning to fight one another and driving their cars into buildings whilst laughing uproariously, they decided to move.

The whole time they packed, L calmly explaining that he and Watari had prepared for almost any situation; including an airborne attack. The entire basement had been renovated into a sort of safety room complete with its own oxygen, emergency food and bathroom appliances. They could live down there up to two months quite safely. However, they still needed to take the computers, as L did not think that things were too urgent yet and so they could waste time with manual labour.

As they had unplugged the computers, no one had spotted that on the CCTV Watari's mask was seemingly flying off his own face of its own accord and that he was currently writhing about on the ground.

"Do you think Kira has done something?" asked Matsuda, fear causing his voice to shake uncontrollably. Without checking he unplugged the CCTV- had he have checked the screen he would have noticed a weakened Watari dragging himself back into L headquarters.

"Possibly," replied L in monotone, "though I can't see what Kira would have to gain by throwing more disorder into the world. It seems the opposite of what he would want. But then, I can only speculate for I am not Kira." L chose that moment to spin around and stare into the back of Lights head, earning a heavy sigh from Aizawa and a stressed, pained expression from Soichiro. Light, on the other hand, was too distracted to care. He had no fucking idea about what was going on, and instead was too stressed thinking about Rem's whereabouts. Plus there was the terrifying risk that he was going to be trapped in a room with no one actually worthy of his company but instead the task force (namely Matsuda and his god forsaken teen-magazines,) two Shinigami's and (he shuddered) Misa Amane, for up to two months. It was enough for him to start considering suicide. How would he cope with these fools?

"_Besides_," he thought to himself, his mind going a hundred times faster than the average human's, _"what if this is another elaborate trick by L? If me and Misa are trapped in here then who will continue the work of Kira? The drop in Kira activity will surely be noticed by L...unless of course, this situation is real, then I can argue that Kira was taken in by the strange turn of events as much as everyone else. How elaborate will L's plans go? If I can get outside, I'll be able to see for myself if the whole city really has gone insane. But if there is a poison then I'll get intoxicated as well. I could insist on watching the news or getting the internet up, L will have the computers running, he wouldn't be able to cope without them. But what if L is controlling the information the media give? What if it is a giant set up? What can I do?"_

Light sighed and turned in his chair only to jump when he saw L staring at him from the other side of the room.

"What is it L?"

"We should leave," the strange man hopped off his chair.

"Leave and go where?"

"To a safer place..._obviously_..."

Light grit his teeth in frustration before following L. The best thing to do would be to play along with L's stupid game, then turn it around at the last minute.

xxXXxx

In a different dimension, a place full of light and beauty, the trickster goddess Eris laughed as she saw her gas work its magic on Earth. Ever since the Romans took on Christianity, she had been out of work. It sucked. Everyday her powers slowly ebbed away. She was reduced to watching humans, like nothing more than a filthy old Shinigami (the rats of their world.) However, thanks to Ryuuk and her magic gas, at least humanity was now entertaining.

"The meeting is on a coffee break, so I thought I'd run away and hang out with you instead," said a voice behind her. Whipping her head around, she saw Loki, the trickster god of some dead Northern European nation. He read her thoughts and allowed a slight frown to mar his usual happy face. "Don't be like that." He said in an oily voice. "Let's be friends. The meeting is finished and they'll work out something is wrong soon. We should speed it up." He leaned over her bare shoulder and looked at the world. "How did you get someone to release the gas on Earth?" He queried. "Who would be so stupid?"

She turned to him and grinned, deciding to grace him with a response. "The Shinigami's have their very own Pandora." She laughed. He leaned down next to her, lining their bodies together intimately. She did not chastise him for doing so.

"Ryuuk," he nodded, understanding immediately to whom she was referring to; what other Shinigami was like Pandora? "He's been doing great things on Earth." Loki grinned, "thanks to him, it's getting like the Old Days, humans and immortals mixing together and causing chaos."

She hummed in agreement. "In all the universe humans are the best things to tease." She stretched herself out like a cat, "especially that little group in Japan."

"There are groups like them everywhere. So, like I said, we should speed things up before the New One's come and shut down our fun. We need to make this go global

Agreeing to his plan, Eris took in a deep breath and blew lightly onto the Earth. The only thing she affected was the purple haze but that was enough. Following her will, the mist began to spread and travel in a disturbing manner that made it seem like it was conscious.

xxXXxx

The men hurried into the hallways and down the stairs. However, when they reached the basement, a man sat huddled in the darkened hallway.

He was wearing Watari's coat...

"W-Watari?" L reached out his hand (unlike every other Task Force member, L hadn't bothered carrying a computer; he just had his slim-line laptop, and was the cause of much internal curse words from Aizawa.) The slight shake in L's hand betrayed his thoughts and fears, "Watari? What happened? Why have you not gone to get Miss Amane?"

His fingertips brushed the man's arm, causing him to face the Task Force with an angry bellow followed by an equally loud belch. Matsuda let out a high pitched scream and dropped his computer. Ignoring his apologies and the task force's gentle ribbing of his effeminate scream, L analysed his mentors face. Watari's eyes were bloodshot, stubble that looked days old hung on his cheeks and a stench of alcohol and pee made L and Light (who was extra sensitive about dirt) gag.

"What is wrong with him?" Muttered Light, to himself more than L.

"I tell yer waz wrong wiv me ya liddle brat!" Spat Watari, his words slurred. "This iz MY hallway. Get out of 'ere! G-wan! Out! Unless ya got some change? Got some change for a cigarette mate?"

L stood up as straight as his body and stubbornness allowed. "He's severely drunk."

"But how?" Aizawa screamed. "He was fine a moment ago! Is that what this problem is, everyone is turning drunk?" He looked incredulous at his own supposition, but with Death Notes, Death Gods, L's diet and Teen magazine, he had learnt to accept almost anything.

"Well it would explain all the traffic accidents and people falling over..." Soichiro replied quietly, his thoughts returning to his family. He had been worried before, but if everyone was turning drunk, well, that wasn't much an improvement. Soichiro and Sachiko had met whilst students travelling through East Asia during the mid-seventies, and Sachiko had often been drunk and wild. While it was one of the things that had first attracted him to her, he certainly hoped his wife wasn't dancing on a bar and showing her breasts _now_...and as for Sayu...

While Soichiro was lost in his own world, the task force continued to debate the possibilities of alcohol somehow leaking into the air over the angry drunken yells of Watari, L noticed that Light was looking at him. Since the idea of drunkenness was what was affecting people came out, Light had been giving L this strange calculated look and a smirk was beginning to, uncontrollably it seemed, appear on the increasingly lecherous face of Light.

"Leave Watari here, we have no choice. He might be infected," ordered L with something like regret just barely colouring his voice. "Everybody follow me."

And that's when the Bad went inevitably to Worse.

Watari stood and ran down the hall rambling about going outside for air. Matsuda, ever impetuous and impulsive ran after him assuring them all that he would stop any dangerous air getting into the building. In fact he was yelling his assurances with so loudly with so much gusto that he did not hear the quiet warnings of L to 'not go down there-you imbecile...'

For an old, drunk man, Watari was pretty fast. Luckily before he got to the front door, Matsuda managed to run in front of him blocking the old man's way. "Sorry Mr. Watari. Please go back down the hallway."

"You can't tell me what to do you liddle poodle head! Wiv ya stupid hair and big eyes! What chyoo looking at boy? I was in the marine boy! Fought in 'Nam, world war one AND the norf pole!"

Whilst nervously patting his hair down self consciously, Matsuda was about to repeat more apologies, when he heard a hissing noise behind him. Turning to the front door, he saw little strands of purple gas leaking through the cracks between the door and the walls.

"Oh no!" He began to run, ignoring Watari, "everyone watch out...!" Matsuda's warning was cut short when he saw that no one was left in the hallway. They had gotten to safety without him.

"Ah well that's good," he muttered rubbing the back of his head. "At least my best friends are safe. Wait, what of me? Oh no!" As the gas, now advancing in thick heavy clouds, he pulled out his gun and began futilely shooting at it whilst ordering, "no st-stay back, no, no- AHHHHHH!"

Inside the safe room, the force heard the last plaintive cries of Matsuda.

"I would feel sorry for him," complained Aizawa, "but it's just too pathetic."

"Maybe we should let them in here?" Mogi muttered in response, hoping L didn't over hear. (He did, unknown to both of them, he had suddenly spun round and was now watching them with the same intensity as a cat watching a mouse.)

"No way," said Aizawa with his usual gruffness, though he did (unnecessarily) lower his voice. "Watari is a pain-in-the-arse-kind of drunk and I don't want to know was Matsuda is like now!"

Mogi simply gulped and nodded, privately thinking that a drunk Matsuda would be akin to a teenager drunk on alcopops, giggling and distastefully flirtatious. As the private conversation reached its natural end, both men felt a curious prickling feeling; the feeling of being watched. They simultaneously turned to see L sitting much closer to them than previously, his unblinking eyes focused straight forward. "I've just realised," the detective murmured, "that there are no cakes down here..."

Silence permeated the air. Even Soichiro and Light looked a little anxious. L was a genius but undoubtedly quite insane- it was just a matter of time before he totally snapped. Just as they were about to move in the hopes of restraining L should he suddenly go berserk, the front door was kicked down and Matsuda stood tall and proud, a smoking gun in one hand, and a tray of highly stacked cakes in the other.

"DOES ANYONE HERE NEED..." he paused dramatically whilst giving a dashing grin, "A **HERO?**?"

* * *

**A.N.- Believe it or not there is a plot for this story. Kudos to anyone who can or who has worked out what the hell is going on here.**


	3. Mean

Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.

~Heywood Hale Brown

* * *

L stuffed another slice of Victoria sponge into his mouth. Normally he would play with his food, savouring the cool, sweet icing, tonguing through the soft, fluffy sponge to reach the sweet, bitsy texture of the jam. But not today, after the scare of not having any cake or sweets for an unknown amount of time, L was shovelling food as if he had been starved or three months. It was also taking a lot of sugar listening to Matsuda, complete with his new baritone and cleft chin, chattering on and on about his heroism.

"Matsuda, how did you get all these muscles?" L licked the icing on one of his cupcakes; he would go easy on interrogating Matsuda. The man had bought him cakes! Granted, he had possibly also bought contamination through kicking down the door, but cakes were more important.

"WUHAHAHAHA!" bellowed the new and empowered man-muffin that was Matsuda, "with hard work and exercise, little man. Feel free to ask for assistance from me ANYTIME!" He grinned and stared vacantly forward, just above L's head.

L swallowed his cupcake whilst peeling the wrapper from another. "I see. And the slight beard you are now sporting?"

Unlike Watari who now looked like the mad homeless man that screams obscenities in public areas, but whom everyone walks around and pretends doesn't exist, Matsuda had a rather handsome 'half noon' shadow of dark man-fuzz across his cheeks and chin.

Looking down at L in an almost pitying fashion, Matsuda landed a heavy hand on the skinny boy's shoulder, "WHEN YOU BECOME A MAN!" He boomed. "AND BY MAN, I MEAN BECOMING A BRAVE, DASHING AND HANDSOME CONNOISSEUR LIKE MYSELF; YOU WILL ACHIEVE THE TOUTA-STYLE MAN-FUZZ!"

"I see," L repeated, finishing his cake and began sorting through his jelly babies, colour co-ordinating them, then aligning them alphabetically according to their colour; his unease of sugar starvation slowly ebbing away. "But, Matsuda, you did not look like this before you were left alone outside. What happened?"

Matsuda grinned, each tooth a white square tombstone. It was somewhat alarming, and L trained his eyes back to the pure innocence of jelly babies.

"On trying to save the poor drunken fool who was once your dignified caretaker, I was suddenly ENGULFED BY THE PURPLE MIST!" Matsuda was now on his feet and yelling, his fist pumping the air. Aizawa let out a loud exasperated sigh but aside from that, no one else reacted.

"And then?"

"AND THEN I REALISED, THAT YOU AND YOU OTHER MEN NEEDED ME! AND BY GUM," Matsuda leaned down and grasping L by the shoulders forced them to face one another. L squirmed, uncomfortable with Matsuda's proximity. "I wasn't going to let you down, little man. No way."

"Please call me Ryuzaki. Aizawa, Mogi, how are things going?" L untangled himself from the buff Matsuda, whose last speech had caused manly un-fallen tears to brim in his eyes. It was clear he had no idea what had happened; Matsuda, for having great enthusiasm, was never the brightest crayon in a pencil case and it seemed that aspect of his personality was still very much intact.

As soon as the bellowing Matsuda had slammed open the door, charging in like a behemoth, L had ordered the task force to get in contact with foreign teams. (Well, that's not completely true. In fact, as soon as Matsuda had slammed open the doors, L had fallen upon the cupcakes with inhuman speed, guzzling them in a disgusting manner.) It was clear that they were probably infected thanks to Matsuda, or at least soon would be. While Aizawa and Mogi were communicating with the Americans, Light was contacting the British headquarters, or so he thought. It was actually Whammys. With Watari and soon himself out of commission, his successors would need to save him, and perhaps continue the battle with Kira.

Aizawa answered, "the Americans are happy to investigate what is happening. They say that they can't get through to the Japanese government or police. They are going to send over soldiers to investigate, but they have to clear it with the U.N first. Chances are they will have to work with the UN to create a fact-finding team. In other words, they're going to take ages before they get here."

"Light?"

"I've been speaking to a mister Roderigo Vurie and he says that Team White and Team Black are awaiting your orders."

"I want Team White to continue with the Kira case. However, Team Black are to begin working independently of the Americans to find out what's going on here. Whatever they find must be reported to the American team first under the alias of Beyond, and then to me through mobile phone only." He lazily passed light a piece of paper with a number scribbled on it. "However, should I begin to alter dramatically in speech or personality, they are to cut off all communication and join team white and leave the Americans to finish what they can. Understood?"

"Is that wise L?" Light looked up at L, batting his eyelashes innocently, his voice full of reason and honesty. "Surely it would be better if instead they began to talk to one of us instead. Just because you may be infected, doesn't mean we all will be. There may still be a chance to stop," he looked over at Watari who was peeing up the wall, "whatever is happening, even if you are indisposed."

The Taskforce froze and watched L's reaction; they clearly sided with Light, their ride somewhat diminished by L's evident lack of faith in them.

"What would be unwise, Kira-kun, is me trusting you to lead the Taskforce in capturing yourself, and letting you communicate with what is obviously '_**my'**_ people."

"L that's unnecessary! Why do you insist on being so arrogant?" Aizawa roared and kicked an empty dustbin muttering curses about demanding ex-colonialists and their bad attitude to locals.

During his outburst, L had been staring at a jellybaby, slowly squishing it in a bid to vent his hidden aggression. As he turned to say something biting in response, the screams and yells of an angry mob sounded throughout the building. The alarms began to scream before all the power kicked out.

"Someone has broken in!" Mogi cried, receiving a few odd glances from his teammates.

"Fear not!" bellowed Matsuda getting a whip from his belt. "I will deal with these heinous ragamuffins!"

Light began to ask where he had gotten it from, but decided against it- the day was too weird and it would be easier to rely on his own deductive skills to find out what was happening and why. Evidently, l had reached the same conclusion.

"We are already infected now," he said to them team as Matsuda ran out the room bellowing some kind of war cry. "And it is just a matter of time before we begin to change; staying down here is no different to being anywhere else. Now what is most imperative is working out what is happening here, or working out as much as we can, before we too are..." Watari bumped into L, apparently whilst trying to do some kind of drunken jig. As he began to scream obscenities at his prodigy, l continued unperturbed, "...incoherent and illogical. We will try and find out what happened to the power. If we cannot get it back on, we may have to move to another office, the police station being the most obvious place, followed by any nearby government building. All we really need is computers and surveillance cameras. Let's go."

As soon as they stepped outside there was an angry almost feral growl of "Liiiiiiigggghhht!"

The man in question had an undignified ump backwards. L stared at him as if he had just witnessed something amazing.

Misa followed by a crowd of angry women, many of whom Light recognised, entered the building.

"Misa," L shuffled up beside her, his voice low but with a hint of reprove in it. "You are not permitted to be..."

"Quiet Skinny!" she barked before quickly back-handing his face with so much force it made a delicious whip like sound. The group of girls then dragged him into the bowels of the crowd before he could react. The Task Force made no attempt to save him; the women looked really angry.

"My dear ladies," the new-improved Matsuda leapt out in front of the Task Force. "What may I do for such beautiful swans I see before me?"

Misa seemed unaffected. "Don't use that stupid language on _me_!" she squeaked. "We are here for Light Yagami." Pushing Matsuda aside she glowered at her boyfriend. "You thought you could just use and abuse us didn't you! Every one of these women behind me is a woman you dated and then left in the dirt. Well we are here to tell you Light Yagami that you are an enemy to womankind!" The girls whooped and cheered. "We will make sure that your name is dirt and you will never date another woman in this land ever again!" More cheers erupted from the crowd.

The Task Force turned to Light, feeling some pity before noticing that Light really didn't seem all that bothered. He shrugged. "Well, if that makes you feel better Misa." Light Yagami was as gallant and calm as always. "I'm sorry for any..."

"No!" Misa interrupted. "Do not condescend to me Light! I have had enough. From now on I am done with you and any man who talks down to me and makes me feel stupid." She turned to the women behind her. "I am dying my hair back to its natural colour!"

The crowd crowed.

"I am no longer wearing these," she looked down at her ridiculous attire, "these stupid frills and lace and boots that make my feet ache! I'm not wearing them because I think it will make guys think I'm cute! No more speaking like a child! I am a strong, Japanese, twenty-three year old and I am PROUD!"

The crowd went insane with joy as Misa whipped back round to the Task Force who had been trying to sneak away upstairs.

"You thought you could control me Light, well you can't!"

Light scowled, this was serious. One of the main reasons he had gotten so far was because he was able to control Misa and her stupidity. But if she was angry with him, would she reveal herself and him as Kira?

As if she had read his thoughts, she grinned evilly. "I'm going to reveal you for what you are Light! For the secret you hide from everyone. But I know," she intoned whilst backing away from him melodramatically, her eyes even wider than usual, "**I know**!"

"Damn it!" He cursed internally, before turning to the Task Force quickly (inadvertently exhibiting the same melodramatic flair as Misa.) The remaining Task Force member eyed him curiously; their breaths held. "She's gone crazy!" Light barked. "Crazy! Don't trust anything she says."

At this Aizawa stiffened and raised his height a little. He didn't appreciate Light Yagami giving him orders, no matter who his daddy was or how nice his hair was. "Let's see what she has to say," he growled.

However, Soichiro was against it. "Light is correct," he argued, and Light, not for the first time, was very glad Soichiro was his father (and so gullible in his faith in Light...) "They," he gestured to the women, "have clearly been affected by the gas. This whole place is infected. We should be moving on."

There was a moment of tense silence, broken only by a muffled and unaffected, "heellp!"by someone with a low, masculine voice deep within the bowels of the Light's Ex-Girlfriend Army.

Everyone ignored it.

"I have pictures," said Misa, a smirk in her voice.

Light felt his stomach drop. She had _pictures_? How? When? He turned and faced his father and the rest of his team, trying to keep his face calm but knowing that he had gone deadly pale. Even Soichiro looked interested into what Misa had to say and show them (albeit with significant hesitance.)

"All those times you refused to have sex with me!" She hissed, "with all of us!" She gestured to all the girls, who nodded, looking venomous, angry and extremely turned on all at the same time. They wanted to rip Light apart and eat him alive. "Regardless of the fact that we are all beautiful women!" Misa continued in her shrieking diatribe. "But we know why you never desired us sexually, you sick pervert!"

Light frowned. What was she talking abou-? Ah...actually... yeah...he remembered what she might be referring to...

"Dad, really we should go!" He began heading to the stairs. "We need to get away!"

"To think," Misa yelled, "that you would choose me over this!"

She flung to the ground several photographs which happened to be facing upwards. The Task Force and all the girls gasped in horror and shuddered. Misa shook her head slowly, her lips in an ugly pout. "_Disgusting_," she mouthed at him.

"Oh God," cried Mogi, "is that a fish? Why would you-" He promptly threw up before even managing to complete his question to Light. Aizawa said nothing, but he had gone slightly green and had backed away from the photographs. Slowly he backed up to the wall which he proceeded to lean on for support. He did not look at Light, and to an uninvolved bystander would look like someone who had just survived an awful ordeal, like a fire or explosion.

Light felt himself going a deep red. His father collected up the photographs. "Well, you have had your revenge Misa," he answered calmly, and everyone who was still in their right mind admired his amazing power of dignity. "Please, could you and your women leave and close the door behind you." It wasn't a question. Where the former Misa would have obeyed, this Misa stood still, merely giving Soichiro a filthy look through narrowed eyes.

Walking up to his son whilst slipping the photos into his pocket Soichiro muttered, "listen Light. I thought you reading porn was shocking enough but this...this really isn't very...healthy. But I still love you." He tapped Light's shoulder in a manner of comradeship before hastily adding, "in a loving, _fatherly_ manner, mind you."

Convinced his face was now beetroot in colour, Light nodded. Great, now everyone, including his father, thought (_knew_) he was a total pervert.

"This isn't over Light you fish fucker!" Misa yelled.

Soichiro put a shaking hand over his eyes, uncertain of how much more he could take...

Inexplicably, Misa suddenly shoved her hand down her top.

Light flung out his hands in front of him, "**no sex tonight Misa!"** he shouted out of habit, before realising what he had said and blushing. He straightened himself back out. "_Damn Pavlov..." _He thought bitterly and unfairly.

"I don't want to have sex with you, you **dolt**!" The blonde midget screamed; Light was incensed, of _all_ the people to call him such a name... "What I am doing," Misa continued, her hand still down her top, "is pulling off my tit-strap!"

"Oh my god!" Spluttered Aizawa, the craziness becoming too much for him to bear, "your _what_?"

With a rip, the clips came undone and Misa whipped out her tiny pink bra triumphantly. "No more will I be in your control. This," she waved the frilly bra around her head, "is a symbol of male restraint on female bodies, sexuality and nature. Behold!"

Getting out a lighter, Misa set the bra on fire, the flames reflected in her manic eyes. The crowd cheered and Light realised that they could be certain about what this mysterious gas did; it clearly sent everyone completely insane.

As the crowd cheered, the men slowly began to sneak away upstairs lest the purple gas affect them also (if it hadn't already and was a simply taking time to take affect.)

Poor L would have to be left behind...

xxXXxx

Meanwhile, in England Winchester, it was three-thirty and school lessons had finished. In the common room, children of all ages crammed in to watch television. Where most children were watching cartoon, these children were watching 'The Big Debate.'

Richard Dawkins was arguing with a member of the Anglican Clergy, a Rabbi and a Mullah*, a Hindu was sitting calmly on the sidelines and the host Johnathan Dimbley was trying to keep the whole thing under control. The children watched with silent intensity, their minds going much faster than a normal human's as they found counter arguments for each person's position. After this programme they themselves would have a debate, which would probably go on long into the night and be even more passionate, logical and inspired.

The children at Whammy's house were not indoctrinated with any religion (they stopped all that in 1922) but it still had more practicing Christians and atheists than it did Muslim, Hindu or any other religious denomination. Agnostics were the smallest group for some reason. The adults at Whammys privately believed it was because the children were very 'black and white' about matters and simply loved to argue. Being agnostic would require a level of leeway on each side.

However, this episode of Question Time took an odd turn. It was five year old Billy who discovered it first. Looking up from his wax-crayon drawing of a DNA strand he pointed at the television. "What's that?"

On the screen, small wisps of purple smoke seemed to be pouring into the studio. The people were so busy debating, they didn't notice.

"A fire?" Linda asked.

"Its purple smoke," Satveer scoffed.

"Maybe a chemical fire?" Queried Jermaine.

"Why on a television set?" Countered Sakura.

As their argument continued, on screen Richard Dawkins had been blinking in quick succession over what the imam was saying about the indoctrination of children, when he suddenly stood up and screamed, "oh my god! My eyes have been opened!"

The Whammys students and the entire studio became silent.

"How could I have been so blind?" Dawkins wailed, "I'm so fucking stupid! Oh God, I'm sorry for my obscene language!" He fell to the floor and began praying. "**Damn**, I just took your name in vain! Damn, I said damn...oh no!"

The Imam was furious. "If you think this is some kind of joke..." he spat, "it isn't funny! This is my religion, Mr. Dawkins, my life is devoted to my God, how dare you..." he suddenly trailed off, almost as if he had forgotten his line of thought. His face relaxed, and he sat back down. "Mind you Dawkins, you _did_ have a point..."

Roger Ruvie entered the common room, "where are Matt and Mello?" He barked, "Near, come with me."

Near had been staring at the screen, unlike everyone else he did not look gobsmacked, but he had stopped playing with his jigsaw, his hand holding a piece was frozen in mid-air.

Noticing the flabbergasted children, Roger looked at the tele himself. Currently the Imam was saying alcohol wasn't _that_ bad, the Anglican pope and Jew were laughing together over some secret shared joke, the Dalai Lama was attempting to fight the Host who had lost all control all while Richard Dawkins was prostrating himself to God.

"C-come with me Near," he muttered, moving the half frozen boy away from the screen. "We need to get the M's and sort this out!"

* * *

**A/N. Gosh, I'm sorry if this came across as very disrespectful. I've been acutely worried about this chapter. I hope people understand I'm not laughing at religion, just, y'know, if something like this were to happen. I have been as vague as possible when noting names (apart from Richard Dawkins) i.e. just making the Rabbi and 'Rabbi' and not naming the Clergy member or imam or even saying what jurisdiction they were the head of. The reason why is that I don't want to slander anyone or upset followers. However, I imagine that anyone who likes Richard Dawkins (like me) will not be offended.**

***Btw, a Mullah is a member of the Muslim clergy who is an expert in sacred law and Islamic theology.**

**I think the way the girl said 'Liiight' at the start would be similar to how the characters in Judge Dredd say 'law.'**

**As for calling Misa a midget, I myself am very short (I'm under five foot- yes really), and so do not think small people are in any way inferior. But I thought the disrespectful tone would match the rest of the chapter and Light's thought process.**

**Finally, Pavlov is a psychologist who was an expert in learnt behaviour. To understand why Light yelled out what he did when Misa began to rip off her tit-strap, google 'Pavlov's dogs.' **


	4. Nothing

**Warnings- The fairies use a lot of swear words.**

* * *

**All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.**

**-Narrator from _Watership Down_**

* * *

Light led the team to Misa's old suite. Inside it would have a mini kitchen, living area, bedroom and bathroom making it the most sensible place for them to hold up for a while. After all, who knew how long they were going to have to stay there?

"Where's Matsuda?" Muttered Mogi as Light and Aizawa began to set up the P.C.

"Who cares?" barked the irate, fluffy headed man. His cute fro did not suit his cantankerous personality. "He's gone all..." Aizawa struggled with his words for a moment (terms like 'weird' and 'crazy' seemed too much of an understatement) before finishing lamely, "he'll be fine, just lock that door. And check for any air vents!"

"_We won't have any way of watching the outside world_," thought Light. "_This is just an ordinary household computer, and considering this was nothing more than a well-decorated cell for a Kira suspect, L would not have allowed any technology that could spy on people outside."_ There weren't even any windows. Light wondered how Misa handled it, she being a creature of daytime and light unlike L, but then he noticed the array of mirrors. So Misa probably hadn't even noticed the lack of windows... "_Clever L, very clever"..._ Light was a little shamed in fact. He now understood that shoving a mirror in her face was probably a good way of distracting her from wanting sex. Never mind.

Initially Light had been very angry that, today of all days, when he finally was going to kill L, this had happened. It was typical, stupid L in his stupid Ivory Tower was finally going to get what was coming to him, Light was going to laugh in his face and everything, but no, instead Fate decided to make something insane happen. It was like the universe was conspiring against him so that he couldn't kill the dark haired enigma.

However, as time had gone on Light had begun to cheer up a little (in the cold and calculating manner Light had.) The situation was like a new game, against someone or something they could not really see nor understood. Working with L was, to his mind, a new and fun experience. He could imagine them working side by side in the future. Maybe even beginning to develop a grudging respect for one another. Maybe even throwing in some kinky sex into the mix, just for the lolz.

Granted, the detective being dragged off by a hoard of angry ex-girlfriends did not trouble Light in any way because that just meant that now he got to be in charge. And being in charge was kind of... (Light blushed at using such a typical teenage word) _cool_.

It was unfortunate that the others had found out about his occasional...extra-curricular activities, but really what he did outside of the Office was no-one's business but his own (besides, it wasn't as though the fish were hurt, only a broom was broken in the process.) He figured he could pretend that he had been drunk that night Misa had somehow taken the photo's, or that they were false and she must have fabricated them, but no-one would buy the idea that Light had ever been drunk or that Misa was that clever. Besides, now that L was gone he was the most intelligent person in the team so they had no choice but to rely on him.

Meanwhile, in England, Mello and Matt walked at a steady pace to get to Camden market in the bustling city of London. They weren't supposed to be out today, but the Whammy Institute were way too strict on leaving hours and day trips. Besides, they were too clever for the staff, tricking them was easy. Plus, telling the students not to go outside and then having such mediocre guards meant that Whammy House was just begging them to disobey. Mello figured that maybe it was a test- maybe checking how independent they were. And Mello was very independent. Especially if he had Matt with him.

"Leave the haggling to me Matt," Mello ordered quietly.

"Uh-huh" muttered Matt absently mindedly, the little 'boops' of his Gameboy an incessant background noise. An indifferent grunt was the type of communication Matt gave most of the time. He really wasn't part of this world when playing his games... Not that Mello minded. Considering how single minded and passionate he was, it suited him to have someone cool and indifferent on his side. He was secretly quite impressed with people like Matt; it was one of the reasons he liked L. To be so detached and weird, yet still an active member of society, still making an impact on other people, it was kind of cool. But Mello was better at other things; things like haggling with stall owners.

They turned a corner and Mello gaped.

They had just entered into the 'cool' area of Camden, the place where all the fashionista's and rich celebrity types hung out. Normally there was a sort of self-conscious drudgery to the market; a trying to be cool without appearing to be trying. However, today it was all in disarray. Food and clothes were left on the floor, trampled and ruined. People were screaming and ripping off their clothes. Mello stared at one girl who began to pull out her blonde weave, tears of heavy mascara running down her face like some sort of demented piece of pop art.

"Oh my god Matt," he turned to his friend to discover Matt hadn't even noticed. "_Matt_!" he screamed, "for god's sake _look_!"

Matt cast a resentful stare at Mello. He put up with an awful lot of shit from the blond, but they both knew that pulling him out of his game, especially when he was on a winning streak, was a very Bad Thing to do. Bad enough for Matt to consider breaking off their lifetime of friendship. He looked around. He blinked a few times.

"Whoa, heavy," he muttered at last. "What is this a new...thing...?" He looked at Mello, "is this a new cool thing?"

Mello stared at him as if he had grown a third eye. "No-o," he drawled in an incredulous voice, "no, everyone has clearly gone nuts!"

Suddenly a lunatic mod-come-emo kid fell upon Matt screaming, "Please take my stuff I cannot stand having all this stuff!" Matt screamed and fell to the floor, various glitter and material from the girl's bag tumbled onto his face. "Please my life is full of hoarding and spending! OH THE HUMANITY! MY LIFE IS SO SHALLOOW!" With an anguished wail she tugged at her hair.

Mello would have helped his best friend, but as Matt wrestled with the mad woman, he got a text. A text from Near, of all people._"How did he get my number?" _He wondered. _"And I didn't even know he could text."_

He flipped open his phone and read;

_You and Matt come back quickly. It is quite possibly the end of the world._

_Yours Truly, _

_Near._

Slowly Mello looked up to the grey, awe-inspiring sky a terrible fear in his gut. He could hear the dramatic music that would accompany such an action had his life been a film, or anime. "Dear God," he muttered to himself, standing in the midst of chaos. "_Dear God..."_

"Mello, stop standing there and HELP ME!"

xxXXxx

Meanwhile, up in the Pantheon of Gods, the fairies were enjoying a smoke break outside.

"No one takes us seriously," complained Aelfdane, Prince Fairy of Honeysuckles, "one of Zeus's little whores actually tried talking to me in baby talk today! All 'coochey-coo' this and 'coochey-coo' that! It's a disgrace!"

"What did you do to her?" Briar Silverfrost, fairy Princess of Swan feathers grinned maliciously.

"I bit that bitch's nose that's what I did!"

The entire fairy's chortled and patted Aelfdane on the back.

"ENOUGH!"

All the fairies turned to their leader, Queen Mab. Their Queen turned to them. She looked like a haggard fifty something, a cigarette hung out of the side of her mouth and she wore a bathrobe and some beat up slippers. "Is this what we have come to?" She hawked and spat, her toxic spit causing a hole to sizzle in the ground. "Is this was we are now, a bunch of pansies, ready to giggle at merely biting a goddess whore's nose? My god!"

But what can we do O' Queen!"

"I tell you what we will do, I've been a-thinking and calculatering in me mind, see," she tapped her forehead knowingly, causing the others to stare in awe. "WE just need to prove ourselves again, make ourselves big players on the sport of life. We need to go to Earth and get Kira!"

"But how? HOOOW?" wailed one fairy that fell to his knees whilst clutching his head in emotional agony.

"I was paying attention," moaned Aelfdane turning to Briar, "who the fuck is Kira?" Briar shrugged.

"I was checking with my magic ball," Mab grinned, showing off her yellow and brown teeth while holding up a crystal ball, "Kira is some Japanese girl called Misa. We'll all go. They won't notice we're gone." The other fairies began to grin and cheer."Won't notice us until we bring Kira's head to them on a spike anyway!"

All the fairies gave out a mighty cheer. Then, stubbing their cigarettes on the floor they flew out of the pantheon and down towards earth.

* * *

**A/N * For those wondering what on Earth Light did with some fish and a broom, I'll leave that to your imaginations. I hope no one sees this as a dig at shopaholics or fashionsita's. I love shopping and spending more money than I earn. Do you all know what's going on yet? It'll all be worked out soon.**


	5. I'm

**A.N.- You might want to go on youtube to find a song by Robots in Disguise called Boys. It's one of the god's theme tune in this, and it might help you get a feel for their character.**

* * *

**You spin me right round, baby Right round like a record, baby Right round, round , round You spin me right round baby right round...**

**- Dead or Alive, You spin me round (like a record)**

* * *

"Light we have an incoming call!"

Light pushed Mogi out of the way to turn on the television, a white background with a black gothic "W" burst onto the screen.

"L...L?" A young male voice called through the television. It seemed that the person had not gone to lengths to disguise their voice.

"_This could mean a few things,"_ Light thought, his mind racing, "_it could be that the person on the other line knows L very well, in which case he might realise that my voice is not L's natural one and even if I use a device to disguise or disfigure my natural voice, they may become suspicious as to why l would suddenly go through such precautions. Equally, the person may not be as careful as L, and so is making a rookie error. They sound very young. I cannot imagine L being particularly drawn to young people, which suggests that they must be connected some other way. Maybe they work for him? But the age makes that unlikely. Then the other conclusion is that this person must work for L. That would mean they maybe not be as intelligent and may not know L that closely, but are more intimate with him than Me or the team. I will risk it..."_

"This is L speaking," Light lied, making the task members look at him strangely.

There was a pause on the other side of the line before, "something is happening. You must know what, it's happening all over the world at a fast rate. We are concerned that it has infiltrated Base B. We need to initiate operation Homing Beacon. Do you concur?"

"Things are going strange here," Light answered, "my team and I are in a difficult situation. Am I right in assuming the problem began in Japan?"

"I cannot confirm or deny that L."

"_What does that mean?"_ He thought furiously, _"was that another test? Should L have known where the problem began, did I ask a stupid question and give myself away?"_ He clenched his jaw tightly, trying to swallow down and control the rage. The situation was bizarre and difficult to handle; Light was very unused to not being in control but he knew he could not lose it in front of the entire team. This was his chance to usurp L as the most intelligent person and natural leader of the group.

"We will meet in location F." The boy continued, "agree?"

Light paused. He obviously had no idea where location F was. This was clearly a test, the other person on the line would immediately know he was not L if he asked any questions. Even worse, what if there was no location F; what if it was a double bluff? The only way out of the situation, whether he chose to risk continuing the lie or coming clean, was to collect L and use his knowledge to join with this person. There was no way Light and the others could work alone; they were too isolated and not enough data in order to even compose a hypothesis on w was going on.

"Of course," he responded, deciding to risk it being a double bluff.

"Great, well you know the co ordinates," continued the boy on the other side, making Light grimace, "good bye L." He hung up.

"Oh great!" complained Aizawa, "why did you lie? What was the point? I'm seeing a different side to you Light!" He was promptly whacked around the face with a fish.

"How can you challenge our leader?" cried Matsuda whilst wielding the fish and staring down at the stunned, afro haired victim. "Sure he is creepy, a little off and clearly a liar, but right now, Light is our only chance of saving the world from whatever has happened!"

"We need to find L," said Light, ignoring the silly situation and Matsuda's back handed compliments (he would get his revenge on Matsuda later), "I can't risk us going outside, but we can bring L to us." He smiled, "I think I may be beginning to understand what is happening, but I still do not know why. I need you to trust me."

xxXXxx

Meanwhile up in Heaven, Loki and Eris looked down laughing manically.

"This is great Eris!"

"I know," she smirked nastily, "and with Rem returning to the Shinigami world, she'll infect them also."

"R-really?" He gasped, "so what will happen? Do you think they'll suddenly become enthusiastic about their work?"

"On the whole yeah I suppose so," she shrugged just as something caught her eye, "what is that?" She pointed to the portal, "what are those heading to Earth?"

"They look like locus," Loki answered, "has the Christian god started Armageddon? He said something about locust or horses with human hair or something like that...?"

"What are you babbling about?" She sneered, working the portal so that it closed up on the swarm heading to Japan, "it's the faeries. What are they doing?"

"Breaking the rules I know that much!" He cackled, "who cares anyway? It'll make things more interesting with them in the mix anyway. Plus, any damage on Earth we can now blame on them.

"We need to speed up the mist to hit those Whammy kids!" grinned Loki, he had always hated intelligent people (other than himself) and he particularly hated stick-in-the-mud's, like the Whammy kids, who just couldn't have fun. "Hell we'll be doing them a favour," he muttered to himself. Eris was obliging his request when 'Boys' by Robots in Disguise, began to blast loudly out of nowhere.

Both gods covered their ears.

"Oh dear goddess what is that?" cursed Loki.

"What do you think you fool?" Spat Eris, "It's the Goddess of slash of course!"

The double doors blew open and in danced an obscene, obese monstrosity. It was two headed; one being male and one being female. It wore jeans with a Kimono on the top and a pokemon ball tied to its waist.

It danced around in a circle for the length of the song before coming to a spectacular and alarming finish in front of the two stunned Elder Gods. It clicked its fingers and the music suddenly stopped.

"HI GUYS! Konnichiwa!" Both heads screamed in unison before continuing with hyperactive speed, "gomen on interrupting you, gomen gomen, but I want to join in! I got bored at the meeting, and all the fairies are skiving anyway dattebayooo. Can I join, huh, huh!" It grabbed Loki by the collar and flung him to and fro like a rag doll, "PLEASE PLEASE I NEEED TO JOIN! I'LL HELP YOU HOOK UP WITH THOR IF YOU LET ME JOIN!"

"-Ew, I don't wanna be with-"

"DON'T DENY YOUR LOVE LOKI! YOU _EX_ THOR WOULD BE SO KWAAAIII!"

"Fine," Eris tutted, "just stop screaming."

Screeching with joy the god/goddess dropped poor abused Loki. Then dancing over to the portal that revealed Earth the Yaoi God opened up the pokeball and tipped it out, several pieces of miniature papers flew out and fell to Earth.

"What magic is this?" queried Loki, leaning in for a closer look.

"It's the dreams and wishes of my disciples," answered the goddess, "the Slash Fanfiction Writers. This is going to add a new rule on Eris's purple mist spell." She looked at Eris and winked, "it'll make things just a little more twisted. HAI!"

"Why the writers?" Asked Eris, "are not the slash artists also part of your disciples?"

"Hai!" confirmed the goddess, "but if I put the magic of their creations down, everyone who is secretly homo for one another will start acting out their inner most perverted desires. With the writer's dreams and wishes, the rules to the universe change- sort of like what you and Loki have done already- but people can still opt out of obeying them if they want to." They tapped their chins for a while before happily proclaiming, "here I'll prove it to you!"

She opened up her pokeball again and took out a single piece of paper. On it, Vegita and Goku from 'Dragonball Z' were enclosed in a passionate embrace.

Loki peered at it before grinning, "looks like Vegita's yaoi factor," he said smugly whilst putting on a pair of sunglasses, "just went over nine thousand...YEAAA-auggh!"

Eris punched him in the face, halting the rest of his quip. "Quick!" She grinned at the Yaoi God, "throw it down to Earth, I want to see what happens." She crossed her fingers and hoped Light would find L just in time for when the paper landed at its destination...

Both the male and female face of the god grinned before the piece of paper was dropped into the direction of L Tower.

Meanwhile, on yet another realm, Rem had finally arrived in the world of the Shinigami. She gracefully skipped across the land, the pruple mist trailing around her and spreading out all around, touching everything and transforming it. As she skipped, her surroundings turned from barren wasteland into lush fields; cute little rabbits and baby deer appeared out of nowhere and began to nibble at the grass and to frolic and play with one another; the sky, once as pale as a dead woman's arm, now turned a deep and pleasant blue with candy-floss pink clouds bouncing in it happily.

Rem skipped merrily all the way to the Shinigami King, a many eyed monster that stared at her strangely.

"My Liege," she drawled, giving a cute curtsey and giggling slightly (Rem had a bit of a crush of the king). Crossing her arms behind her back she rocked left and right, peering up at him with her good eye.

"What is it that you want?" was the guttural query of the king, "and what curse have you bought here? You stink of it!"

"It's not a curse silly!" she laughed and tapped her finger on a place between it's eyes, "and since...since when do you notice how I smell, my lord," she looked up at him, her blush even heavier and her eyes shimmering like an anime girl attempting to seduce a shojo dork.

The Shinigami king, quite rightly recoiled slightly at the sight of her and said, "you must leave here! You have infected the lands, be gone!"

"Are you dumping me? No, this cannot be! I-I made you a bento and everything!" At once Rem flung herself to the ground and began to sob uncontrollably.

The King was getting ready to physically hurl her out of the Shinigami realm, when suddenly an onslaught of grinning shinigami's appeared before him.

"Sir, I've taken exactly three hundred souls today!"

"Pah!" yelled another with four arms and one tentacle, "three hundred is nothing, I have taken four hundred souls today!"

"Sir," another one, a small skeletal creature with rotting eyes in it's sockets, pushed the others out of the way and shuffled a wad of paper in it's hands, "I have been writing up a report which I think you will find very interesting and that will prove that I am a sure fire for promotion!"

At once the others began to yell so loudly that Rem's tears were no longer heard over the din.

"Oh dear gods!" cried the Shinigami king, "what fresh hell is this!"

* * *

**A.N.-I don't know why I made the Slash God/Goddess a weeabo type character.**

**If you were wondering why Loki was asking if the Christian God had started Armageddon because of the 'locust' (I'm sure you don't care, but anyway) this is why:**

" Then from the smoke came locusts on the earth, and they were given power like the power of scorpions of the earth; they were told not to harm the grass of the earth or any green growth or any tree, but only those of mankind who have not the seal of God upon their foreheads; they were allowed to torture them for five months, but not to kill them, and their torture was like the torture of a scorpion, when it stings a man. And in those days men will seek death and will not find it; they will long to die, and death will fly from them."

"In appearance the locusts were like horses arrayed for battle; on their heads were what looked like crowns of gold; their faces were like human faces, their hair like women's hair, and their teeth like lions' teeth; they had scales like iron breastplates, and the noise of their wings was like the noise of many chariots with horses rushing into battle. They have tails like scorpions, and stings, and their power of hurting men for five months lies in their tails. They have as king over them the angel of the bottomless pit; his name in Hebrew is Abaddon, and in Greek he is called Apollyon." (Revelation 9:1-11 RSV)"

**It's all symbolic, I am sure. But Loki doesn't know that. He's an old school god, when they said a giant wolf was gonna come and eat ya, they meant for you to watch out for a big-ass wolf.**


End file.
